Can’t live with ’em, can’t live without ’em? Yes you can live without them!
Listen, I was the perfect example of a girl who pined away for a boyfriend ever since my first true crush in fifth grade. I was not the girl getting “asked out” (AKA-asked to be someone’s girlfriend) and I had to sit idly by and watch all of my friends have boyfriends…granted sometimes it was only for 30 minutes! Some of my friends went out with boys that they knew I had a crush on and I let it affect me way too much. First of all, friendships should not end because of a boy, and I am proud to say that none of mine ever have. My relationships with friends always came first because I have great friends who I trust completely. If one of them told me my boyfriend was scum, I would listen (even if it still took me a while to totally grasp the concept and dump the guy). :o) Once, a boy that I thought I was in love with in high school asked my best friend to Winter Formal. She told him she had to think about it and called me first. She didn’t want to go with him because she didn’t want to hurt me. I insisted that she go, though, because I knew deep down that even if she told him no, he still might not ask me and then both he and my friend would be unhappy. So she went, but not until I swore to her that it was ok with me. She also knew that great friendships always come first.
Any who, back to fifth grade. I had the biggest crush on *Emilio (*if I’m going to change someone’s name for their privacy I might as well make it Latino). :o) Emilio was everything I could want in an eleven year old. He was funny, kind, cared about his grades and he dominated the flag football field, which was perfect because I was a tom-boy and needed a guy who was strong. He and I were no doubt friends and we could talk to each other without getting shy or weirded out. But I was dying inside for him to LIKE-like me. You all get the difference between liking someone and LIKE-liking them, right? I even wrote about us holding hands in my diary. (It was because the rules in “Medic” dodgeball were that you had to hold hands with someone to get them safely across the mid-line after freeing them from jail, but still! He held my hand! Isn’t that what silly girl dreams are made of?) Well I crushed on poor Emilio for about three years. I asked him out several times, and even though he always said no, he always made up some nice excuse so he wouldn’t hurt my feelings and damage our friendship. My favorite was, “Well I like someone else right now, but ask me again in a few months.” He always allowed me to keep hope alive! Haha–I am hoping you can detect my sarcasm on some of this!
Sidebar–this brings me to another good point that my dad taught me growing up. If you want something, go after it. If I ask a boy out, what is the worst that can happen? He can say, “No.” Can I deal with that? Yes. Not really a big deal in the scheme of things. So I wasn’t afraid to ask a boy out and I never have been. If I wanted to talk to a boy on the phone, I called them. I wasn’t going to wait around for them to call me, because I knew that even if they wanted to call me they most likely were going to be too gun-shy to pull the trigger and do it. Do you want to know where this really worked for me and makes me so glad that I took my dad’s awesome advice and just went for it? School dances and DJ parties. I was not the girl who stood in a circle of friends HOPING that someone would ask me to dance. If I saw someone I wanted to dance with, I asked them as soon as the beat of a slow-jam started to play over the speakers. And do you know what? They almost always said yes. The only time a boy said no it was because he had already promised that dance to someone else, but he kept true to his word and danced with me at the next song. Thank God I asked people to dance and could go home feeling like I was walking on the ceiling instead of regretting that I didn’t seize the moment and go after what I wanted. I hope that you can find the courage to do the same!
Back to boys. Emilio and I have been friends all through school, and although we never dated each other, I did give my fifth grade self what she always hoped for during my first night at college. Emilio and I were celebrating our first night away from home with a bunch of friends and he kissed me that night. Nothing came of it because we didn’t want to be in a relationship (well, I guess I am speaking for him, but I definitely didn’t want a boyfriend with all the fish in the sea of college that I was about to swim through). It just felt good and it was something that I think we had both always wanted to do. After that kiss, the little eleven-year-old tom boy inside of me smiled and walked on the ceiling for a while because after waiting seven years, she got what she wanted.
I guess my point is this: it is a waste of time to pine away for boys. I know you’ve probably heard it all before, but it’s true. They are SO not as mature as we are! And, they really don’t know what they want until sometimes, it is too late. You should spend your time dreaming of the future and your personal goals for yourself. Enjoy having a crush but don’t let it consume you. I was convinced that I would never have a boyfriend, even though I had noticed that boys were paying me more attention in high school. Yes they talked to me and sometimes I could tell they were “checking me out” but none of them were acting on it! So I came to the conclusion that I was un-dateable. Then, my junior year of high school, it all changed. I went on dates, got my first kiss, had my very first boyfriend and it was all over from there. Once I opened the door to dating, I could never seem to get it closed again! Maybe my confidence went up and more people found that attractive or maybe it was just timing. Whatever it was, the only time I didn’t have a date or boyfriend is when I chose not to have one. This will happen to everyone single one of you! Just when you think you’ll never be kissed or get asked to a dance, you’ll blink and suddenly be beating boys off with a stick. I promise. So, like I said, pining away is a time-waster and does no good. Your day will come, and then you’ll find yourself saying things like, “I just don’t want a boyfriend right now, Tommy. I’m sorry. I hope you understand and can stop IM-ing me as soon as I sign on,” or, “I just need to be single at this time in my life, Pedro. Good luck with the election, though.” Get it?
It is unfortunate how we can draw conclusions about ourselves based on what boys tell us or do/don’t do to us. They are just boys! They are living their own lives trying to understand girls. Which, again, I reiterate going after you want because sometimes the person you want to ask out wants the same thing but isn’t as brave as you are, so go for it! At least if they say, “no”, you can move on (in my case, it took me three years, but I did move on from Emilio). Find comfort in your friends and family, and enjoy your present life. Don’t change yourself into something that you think someone else wants you to be. I was a total tom-boy and probably the opposite of what guys were looking for, but I never tried to change that about myself. To this day I say things that sound like they should come out of a sailor’s mouth and I can turn a mean double-play in co-ed softball, but I have a husband who loves me for it, and more importantly, I love ME for it.
Hang in there and enjoy your life because before you know it, you’ll be wondering where the time went and trying to find that stick so you can keep the boys back.