I Want to Tell You About *Heather

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This Sunday morning, I would like to tell you a true story about a girl named *Heather (real names have been changed).

Heather was someone I got to know in middle school.  She had a friend, *Anne.  Every day at lunch they sat together, alone, at a table in the lunchroom.  Other tables, including the one I sat at, would take extra chairs from other tables and crowd groups of 10-12 around tables meant to seat 8, but there they sat, a table of two.  I remember watching as chairs were asked to be taken from Heather and Anne’s table, sometimes by me, and how the two of them always said yes and kept on with their own conversations.  They were true best friends and everyone treated them terribly.

Heather and Anne were bullied.  Whether it was outright public-shaming or mean words behind their backs, their peers were unkind.  I thank God we didn’t have facebook when I was young.  I can’t imagine what the bullying would have looked like for them.

I remember hearing boys laugh about how they were invited to Heather or Anne’s birthday party or how gross it was that Heather and Anne had crushes on them.  Girls would snicker when the two friends walked by.  The worst thing I recall was when we were taking yearbook photos for student-voted awards; “Best Eyes”, “Class Clown”, etc.  The student body played a trick on Heather which was that they voted her and a boy named *Grant for “Best Couple”.  (The fact that a middle school was even voting people “Best Couple” in the yearbook is beyond ridiculous, but let’s not even go there right now as this is about Heather.)  Heather had no idea it had been a prank orchestrated by Grant and she was elated.  I remember thinking that maybe if she didn’t know it was a joke, it would be a good memory for her and she could actually enjoy one day at school.  I congratulated her when we were walking for photos and she smiled and thanked me.  I noticed that she had dressed up, put a headband in her hair and put on a light shade of pink lipstick.  In fact, she was glowing.  I felt sick inside.  Even though I had not been a part of the trick, I knew about it, and that was enough to make me an accessory.

Grant showed up and came barreling down the outdoor hallway calling after Heather.  He wanted to hold her hand, but first, he held up his finger so she’d wait while he put on latex gloves, then he held her hand.  Others started laughing.  I told those near me to cut it out but didn’t really say enough to make it stop.  The photo was taken – Grant tried to pose in typical cuddling boyfriend positions and I could tell Heather was uncomfortable.  I just wanted this day to be over, and I’m sure she did, too.

Looking back, I should have done something more to save her the humiliation of that day.  It’s sad that out of over 200 students in our class, no one spoke up.

There were a few lunches where my friend *Sarah and I would sit with Heather and Anne.  We felt bad that they were always alone.  They welcomed us and we would talk, but after those lunches, Sarah and I always went back to our group of friends and Heather and Anne went the other way, on their own, again.

The last memory I have of Heather is her singing while her mom played the piano at our 8th grade graduation.  People were saying snide comments to their friends under their breath during the performance – it’s always funny how those who don’t have the guts to stand up and sing can make fun of the others who do.  Heather looked nervous, but I saw her mom give her encouraging glances and she began to sing.  She had a really sweet voice, something I did not know about her.  I can still picture her standing up in front of everyone who put her down and singing a song about friendship and togetherness.  It’s a nice last picture to have of her – she was always kind to everyone, even those who did not reciprocate the sentiment.

That summer, before entering high school, Heather died in her father’s arms in the middle of the night from a brain aneurysm.  My mom got a phone call from another parent at our school.  She asked me if I knew Heather and I said yes.  My stomach was sick.  I cried for her, I cried for her family, and I cried for Anne.

I know others felt guilty for bullying her, but they would never admit it.  It was like this thick, heavy air hung over people whenever she was spoken about after that.  No one said mean things anymore.  People didn’t know what to say because inside all they could think about was the way she was mistreated.  No one had the chance to apologize to Heather or to try to make things right with her.  She is immortalized in the yearbook under “Best Couple” in a photo that brings back the awful trickery of that day, but I remember her on stage, singing.  Thank God for that.

The first day of high school I found Anne, sitting alone at a table, and I sat with her.  I told her how sorry I was and if she was ok.  She seemed so sad.  I imagine Heather and Anne had stayed up late during sleep overs, predicting how high school would change their lives.  There would be new people and new groups to fit in to.  The boys would be cuter, the grass would be greener.  Anne must have felt that hope for a better future at school died with Heather.

I am no saint.  I sat with Anne the first day, but not after that.  I would say hi in the halls, but what was I really doing to help her?  Anne made new friends and I think she had fun in high school, but I don’t know for sure because I never asked her.  I keep up with her on facebook and she has definitely found her stride in adulthood.  A good job, good friends, supportive family.  She recently posted that she’s pregnant with her baby’s due date, and I noticed a comment from a man I am assuming is Heather’s dad.  It said, “That’s Heather’s birthday.”  Isn’t that how it should be?  Anne will always have Heather with her, and I hope that her baby is born exactly on its due date and will share a birthday with Anne’s best friend.

I hope that what people learn from this is to always treat others with kindness.  It’s not fair to Heather or her family that she had a hard 14 years of life.  Be kind.  Speak up when others are not.  We are all capable of kindness.

I love Katy Perry’s “Firework” and I think it fits this especially.  For Heather.

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“It’s a Girl’s World”

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I just watched the documentary “It’s a Girl’s World” for the first time.  It follows two separate stories–one of a group if girls in Montreal and the other in British Columbia.

The documentary made by The National Film Board of Canada, touches on social bullying and the emotional/mental abuse that girls inflict on each other.  Fear, power, and contempt for another person play such a huge role in this.

Have you ever wondered why if Girl A doesn’t like Girl B, why she can’t simply not be friends with Girl B?  Too often Girl A will not just ignore Girl B, whom she doesn’t like, but she will bring Girl B down so that others will also not like Girl B.  This is done through lies, psychological games, mental torment, and emotional pain.

One thing that impressed me about the documentary was that the parents of a group of 10 year old girls were getting together to try to solve the bullying problems that their own children were creating and experiencing.  No parent likes to hear that their child is not perfect, so there were a few disagreements among parental opinions on who the queen bees were and who the bullied were.  I found that placing blame was a big part of getting to the root of the problem, but few parents wanted to accept responsibility or blame.  However, the mother and father of one girl who was showing bully behavior, recognized their daughter’s behavior and attempted to correct it.  This was so good to see because often times parents will blindly believe that their child cannot do wrong which results in behavioral problems not being addressed and therefore worsening/escalating.  In order to be part of the solution, you can’t sit idly by.  If my child were being bullied I would want the parents of the bully to be a part of the solution and work on correcting their child’s poor choices.  As the parent of the bullied child there is only so much one can do to build their child’s self-esteem–it is up to the parent of the bully to also be working on that end of the problem if the issue is to really be resolved.  If my child were a bully, I hope that I could have the clarity of mind to recognize it and take action like some of the parents that I saw in the documentary.  It can’t be easy, so I commend them.  It bothers me to see many people come to a parent of a bully and explain what the bully is doing to others when the parent is not around.  Then the bully’s parent will talk with their child and when the child denies bullying the parent simply believes it and moves on.  Blind faith in their child, even though multiple sources are expressing concern.  I understand being in your child’s corner, but be there for them by correcting their behaviors so that they will function well in society for life.  Ask constructive questions of others to figure out why so many people have expressed concern about your child’s behavior.

Rachel Simmons, author of “Odd Girl Out,” sat and talked with the young girls and learned about the different ways they hurt each other.  The girls talked about being “spies” and two-timing their friends in order to help another get dirt on the unsuspecting friend.  They spoke of making up rumors or pretending to whisper about someone who was close to them in proximity.  Ms. Simmons made an important discovery which is that most girls will not stand up to bullies for themselves or for their friend, and that bullies exist all because young girls are not taught conflict resolution.

At this point, I am still trying to make sense of what I witnessed in the film.  I have a jumble of opinions and thoughts after seeing it and I hope to develop them into clear points eventually.  Right now, I just wanted to bring up the topic of bullying once again, because it is so prevalent and such a problem.  And if you think bullying stops once you leave the school yard and enter into adulthood, think again.  Where do you think children are learning how to bully?

Stand Up to the Bully? How???

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From the Broadway show, "Wicked"

In many discussions about bullying, it is emphasized to “stand up to the bully.”  Unfortunately, how to do this is not always clearly outlined.  So, let’s talk about what you can do that constitutes as “standing up” to a bully.  (The following are ways that I know how to stand up to a bully, but if you can think of more, please comment below.)

 

How to stand up to a bully:

-tell the bully that what they are doing is not okay

-tell the bully to stop

-tell the person being bullied that you’re there and they don’t have to be bullied

-step in front of the person being bullied

-go get a teacher or parent and tell them what you witnessed

-if you’re the one being bullied, tell someone with authority (make sure they understand the severity of the bullying and that you are afraid, if that is the case)

As you can see, there are many ways to confront a bully.  It is not easy to do, and it takes courage.  I know that girls are brave when it comes to protecting someone or doing what you know is right.  If you stand up for someone when they are having trouble standing up for themselves, they will remember you forever and it could change their life.  It is worth doing.  As part of the human race, we should act when we see an injustice being brought upon a fellow person.

What are some ways that you know how to stand up to a bully?

 

…I would tell her about Jamie Hubley.

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Click on this link to read about Jamie Hubley and watch a short video about his love for singing.  Jamie was a bright young man who liked to perform and sing, and he was openly gay.  Jamie was a young man who was bullied relentlessly by his peers, and his life ended in suicide.

It is good to have knowledge, even when it is painful or sad to learn.  Know what happened to this young man.  Know that it was wrong.  Know that somewhere, administrators/teachers should have stepped in.  Friends should have stepped in.  Strangers who witnessed this bullying should have stepped in.  Shame on those who thought they had a right to treat Jamie like trash.

By ignoring bullying, you allow it happen.  If you are too scared to stand up to a bully, tell an adult and get them to do it.  You are still helping.

“All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.”   -Edmund Burke

“All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men and women do nothing.”    -Me

Be sure to check out this blog during the week of November 13-18, as that is National Bullying Awareness week and I will be doing more posts on bullying.

…I would want her to know the impact of bullying.

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Bullying is a hot topic these days because so many sad cases have been brought to our attention by the media.  Can you believe that bullying has led to numerous suicides in young people?  Bullying really is nothing new (there have always been bullies: why do you think we needed the Civil Rights Movement??), but it has taken on a whole new dimension in the world of social media.

We are lucky to have advances in technology and we should be reminded to use them for good and not evil.  We always have choices with what we are given.  We can choose to use our hands to pat someone on the back or we can ball them into fists to inflict pain.  Use facebook to keep in touch with friends, not to cut someone else down.

I still do not understand the basic concept of bullying.  Bullies must get something out of being mean because surely watching someone suffer can’t make them happy.  So what do they do it for?  According to http://www.bullying.org it is for power and contempt.

Here is an excerpt from http://www.bullying.org.

“Bullying is the assertion of power through aggression. Its forms change with age: school playground bullying, sexual harassment, gang attacks, date violence, assault, marital violence, child abuse, workplace harassment and elder abuse (Pepler and Craig, 1997).

Bullying is not about anger . It is not a conflict to be resolved, it’s about contempt –a powerful feeling of dislike toward someone considered to be worthless, inferior or undeserving of respect. Contempt comes with three apparent psychological advantages that allow kids to harm others without feeling empathy, compassion or shame. These are: a sense of entitlement, that they have the right to hurt or control others, an intolerance towards difference, and a freedom to exclude, bar, isolate and segregate others” (Barbara Coloroso “The Bully, the Bullied and the Bystander”).”

It makes sense to me that contempt allows the bully to not feel empathy (empathy means the ability to relate to and feel the feelings of another) because if bullies felt empathy, there would be no bullies.

I like to think that I have always been on the side of good and not evil.  I never intentionally hurt someone and I always tried to help out an under-dog.  I guess I did this a lot because someone actually wrote in my middle school yearbook, “Stop standing up for everyone and you’ll be fine.”  What the meaning of that is, is a mystery to me but I am happy that was said because if there is one thing to be written on my headstone, I wouldn’t mind if it was “She wasn’t fine but she did stand up for everybody.”  :o)

This is a topic I want to explore more through my blog, but for now, let’s all try to stop bullying by standing up for others and not being a part of the problem ourselves.

What do you think about bullying?  What are your experiences?

Check out http://www.bullying.org where you can find more information and take the Anti-Bullying Pledge!